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JP: "Now that we're off to a suitably awkward start, what have you all been up to since you saved the world?"

Th: "We've been doing a little side project. Maybe you've heard of it."

JP: "You mean 8-bit Theater? Well, it's been mentioned in EGM, so I'm pretty sure everyone's heard about it by now."

Fi: "Yeah, we're stupid famous!"

BM: "What did I tell you about abusing English?"

Fi: "Sorry... We're hella famous."

WM: "I for one am not really interested in the fame, just the memories. If it weren't for the rather unpleasant company, reenacting our adventures like this would be a lot of fun."

Fi: "Reenacting? You mean it's just a play?"

BB: "No, no, my heavily armored comrade. She's speaking metaphorically. You know, 'all the world's a stage' and so on. Like the time I only pretended to get hopelessly lost in the Temple of Fiends and got driven to the brink of insanity."

Th: "Riiight."

BB: "It's true! And that time with the tentacle monster, just acting. I swear."

WM: "..."


JP: "..."

RM: "Well, not like it makes any difference anyway. Life is just one big role playing game."

JP: "Well said. Now, let's get down to business. Have any of you done any arena fighting before?"

BB: "I wish I had. It's really hard to find martial arts tournaments in a medieval world."

Fi: "It's your own fault. You use your hands and feet instead of swords."

RM: "That's why this RPGP is such a great opportunity for us; we can all fight in our own style. After all, arena battles fall under sidequests, which are the best source of bonus experience."

Th: "Frankly I'd rather sit in the back row and let the more reckless party members do the work for me."

BM: "Couldn't have said it better myself."

JP: "Well, fine. I'll start with the most enthusiastic of you."

Fi: "Yo."

JP: "Now, I know you get picked on a lot for doing brash or even foolish things. However, I think it's rather presumptuous to think that a low Intelligence score automatically means the character is a dullard. Don't you agree, Fighter?"

Fi: "...I like swords."

WM: "I think that's pretty much all he understands."

JP: "Perhaps. Ahem... 'I like swords too.'"

Fi: "Awesome!"

WM: "Told you so."

Fi: "Dude, I loved your article on the Masamune. You must be some kinda sword-expert-guy or something."

JP: "It's just a hobby, really."

Fi: "Here, take a look at these blueprints for my-"

BM: "Oh no, not the sword-chucks again..."

JP: "Hmmm... You know Fighter, if you left the handles on the swords and attached the chain at the pommel instead, this design might actually be workable."

BM: "For the love of all that is unholy, why are you helping him?"

RM: "If he botches a dexterity roll, he still has a chance of chopping his own arms off."

BM: "Oh, then by all means, design away."

JP: "So, can we expect to see your patented two-fisted monkey style?"

Fi: "Sure. Twice the swords means twice the dead squishies."

JP: "Technically speaking, fighters couldn't use two-sword abilities until the sequels."

Fi: "We were in those too."

JP: "That explains a lot. I always thought they just reused your sprites..."

BB: "Hey, how about you get to the rest of us? Fighter is strong and everything, but does he do his own stunts like me?"

RM: "They're called Feats, not stunts. Get it straight, newbie!"

BB: "Whatever. The important thing is, I can do as much damage with my fists as Fighter can with his swords."

Fi: "Maybe, but swords are cooler than fists. And shinier. You'll never be as cool and shiny as me."

BB: "Oh yeah? Well, watch this!"

WM: "Here he goes again..."

JP: "You know, Black Belt... all you're doing is flailing your arms in the air."

Fi: "Flails aren't as cool as swords either."

BB: "Ha! To a mere amateur martial artist like yourself, it may seem so. *huff, huff* But when I begin my whirling dervish attack, I become like a, uh, whirling... dervish... of destruction!"

JP: "How fascinating. White Mage, how long does he usually keep this up?"

WM: "Until he's mentally stable again or he passes out."

JP: "Well, let's move on then. What's your role in all this?"

WM: "I just want to help people."

Th: "This isn't the Miss Universe pageant. Admit it: You're after treasure just like the rest of us."

WM: "Well, I could use a new purse and some matching shoes..."

BM: "Bah, women have such one track minds. ...Mmmm, snack trays!"

JP: "Again, I'm going to have to ask you to put away the hammer, White Mage."

WM: "Fine. But three strikes and he's out."

JP: "Well, at least you do a fairly good job of keeping everyone in line."

WM: "I do what I can, but I'm not a social worker."

BM: "No, but you're almost as dull. When are we going to get to me?"

JP: "No time like the present. So tell me, Black Mage, what's with the stabbing fetish?"

BM: "It's not a fetish. Stabbing just happens to suit my weapon of choice, the knife. It doubles as a tool for bloodletting during my ghastly evil blood-magic rituals."

JP: "Uh-huh. You do realize, of course, that your strength and dexterity are so low that you can barely hit anything with it, much less do any discernible damage."

BM: "Oh yeah? I'll show you! Get over here, Fighter. Yaaaaar!"

Fi: "Stop it Black Mage, that tickles."

RM: "You're not rolling anywhere near his armor class. Maybe you'll get some decent stabbing power with that +3/+3 Cat Claw from the Encyclopedia of Magical Items."

BM: "Yeah... I guess so..."

JP: "To continue, what's with the hadouken?"

BM: "That's how I cast my evil spells, especially Nuke."

JP: "But if I remember correctly, Nuke can only be cast by a Black Wizard, not a Black Mage."

BM: "Uh, let's just say I had to make a few 'sacrifices' for my abilities."

JP: "Fair enough. but if you already have level 9 spells like that, what's the point of seeking for new magic?"

BM: "There's always something better! Ever hear of a little spell called 'Ultima?'"

JP: "Point taken. I hope you find what you're looking for."

RM: "(I just hope he doesn't snap and Nuke us all when he realizes it's not even in our game world yet.)"

Th: "I think we all heard that attempt at a quiet aside."

RM: "Rats."

JP: "Well, that brings me to Thief. So, what's it like to be the weakest and least useful of the Light Warriors?"

Th: "Oh, you'll see how weak and useless I am when you wake up tomorrow in an empty house."

JP: "That's a rather empty threat. Limited as you are by the game mechanics, you can't actually steal anything, and you lack any sort of rogue skills or special abilities from your pen-and-paper RPG origins."

Th: "Could this possibly get any more humiliating?"

Fi: "Thief likes shineys as much as I like swords. Go ahead, Thief. Say it. 'I like shineys.'"

Th: "Auugh!"

RM: "Don't feel bad, Thief. There's a lot to be said for mediocrity. A good adventuring party needs ho-hum utility characters as a foil to mini-maxed powerhouses."

Th: "You're not helping!"

RM: "Well maybe this will help. According to this sourcebook, Thief can upgrade to a Ninja, a super-class that can use almost all weapons and armor as well as black magic."

JP: "Sounds like it's worth being a Thief after all. Speaking of which, why haven't you guys upgraded yet?"

WM: "If we did that, we would lose the super-deformed cuteness that makes us so popular."

RM: "She's right. The charisma bonus for the 'SD Cuteness' advantage is hard to let go of."

BB: "The legends say that those seeking a class change must undergo twisted maddening trials at the whim of Bahamut, who demands an ancient but unspecified item be brought to him."

Fi: "How are we ever gonna find an item like that? It could be anything! Even a rat's tail or something!"

BM: "You're being even stupider than usual, Fighter. The king of dragons would never have us quest for something as mundane and inconspicuous as a rat's tail."

RM: "I'll have to check in the manuals for that..."

JP: "I guess we've finally come to you, Red Mage. You brought up charisma earlier, but I thought you had minimized your charisma for the sake of increasing your other stats."

RM: "Of course. I can just role-play the social stuff."

JP: "Somehow that doesn't make sense to me."

Fi: "Me neither. My head hurts."

Th: "That's because Black Mage is trying to stab you in the face again."

Fi: "Oh, my bad."

JP: "Anyway Red Mage, you're certainly a powerful character now, but don't you fear that your jack-of-all-trades usefulness will pan out later as your more specialized comrades develop further?"

RM: "...Uh-oh, I hadn't though of that. Hey DM, can I start a new character?"

Voice of Bahamut: "NO."

RM: "Very well... I'll just hog experience to ensure that I'm always a key party member."

JP: "In any case, you'd probably make an excellent tournament fighter with your wide range of abilities."

RM: "Of course! Going solo is worth four times the experience."

JP: "And what an experience this has been. We at BCp are honored to have you all with us."

WM: "It's been a pleasure, Mr. Power."

BM: "Speaking of pleasure, how's about after this we go out for some coffee and a quick f--"


JP: "Three strikes?"

WM: "Yep."

Th: "Wow, that must be a new distance record..."

JP: "I guess that's it for this interview."

BB: "Great. I'm gonna hit the showers. You coming, Fighter?"

Fi: "..."

WM: "..."

BB: "That's not what I meant!!"

JP: "So much for going out with some dignity."

RM: "You can still make a savings throw against embarrassment! Hurry!"

JP: "I'll pass this time. Well, I wish you all good luck in your endeavors. Give my regards to your director at 8-Bit Theater."