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KK: "Hey! What's the big idea, only writing my initials? You'll put my full title on every line: 'His Majesty Bowser, King of the Koopas.'"
JP: "Well, 'your majesty,' although you're plenty famous, and I wouldn't mind interviewing you for the fun of it, it probably won't do any good. The RPGP is strictly for RPG characters, hence the name."
KK: "What are you, retarded? Does Legend of the Seven Stars ring a bell?"
JP: "Well yes, technically that makes you an RPG character... Hmmm..."
KK: "That's right, and I was a damn good one at that!"
JP: "But from what I've heard, you seemed pretty idiotic in the sequel..."
KK: "Shut up! Everyone knows that mushrooms control the media! Of course they made me look bad."
KK: "What, you don't believe me? Hell,
I'm a Harvard grad! I write haiku in my spare
time! Check this out:
JP: *applauds weakly*
KK: "Yeah, give it up! Who's 'leet, baby?"
JP: "All poetry aside, do you think you'll be able to handle yourself in the RPGP? It's a different style of combat from what you're used to."
KK: "Are you kidding? I'll dominate any weight class! I've got claws, natural body armor, fire breath, poison gas, black magic, loads of minions I can summon out of nowhere... The list just goes on! Plus, I'm easily the physically strongest out of any of those chumps in the tournament."
JP: "Maybe... But you haven't really faced the kind of power modern RPG characters wield."
KK: "Nah, that's kids' stuff they got. The truth is, I'm invincible! I've been hit by huge bombs, dumped into fresh magma, had castles collapse on me... And I just keep coming back for more! There's no stoppin' Big Bad Bowza!"
JP: "Sounds a little like someone else already in the RPGP..."
KK: "I know who you're talking about, and I take great offense to that."
JP: "Sorry, that was uncalled for."
KK: "Alright then."
JP: "So what's with you and Princess Toadstool?"
KK: "Oh, we've gotten pretty close after all the times I've kidnapped her. Since this is a family column, I won't go into specifics. I'll just say that Peach has gotten to like it over the years."
JP: "Ugh... I was wondering what those spiked bracelets and collar were for, but now I have a really sick image in my head and want to die."
KK: "Ghaa ha ha! You crack me up, kid."
JP: "So, you're not actually interested in the Mushroom Kingdom?"
KK: "Sure I am! But it's mostly because her kingdom is the only source of good ingredients for my family recipe. The Mario brothers aren't the only ones who appreciate a good pasta sauce, you know!"
JP: "But made of mushroom retainers? That's pretty disgusting."
KK: "Don't knock it 'till you've tried it."
JP: "What about Mario? He's as much an RPG character as you are. Think he should be in the Playoffs too?"
KK: "Sure, why not? That plump little plumber is pretty strong, I'll give him that. I weigh a good 1200 pounds, and he's been able to swing me around by my tail! But without any spikes or bombs or lava pits to throw me into, there's no way in hell I'd lose to him or anyone in this competition. I smell some sweet payback!"
JP: "Okay. Is there anyone else from your world you would recommend?"
KK: "Well there was this one foreign guy I heard was hanging out in Monstro Town. He went by the name of 'Culex, Dark Knight of Vanda.' I heard he was pretty strong, but he was into crystals or something, and I don't care for that new-age crap. You might want to check him out anyway."
JP: "Well, that does it for the interview."
KK: "Good! The pleasure was all yours, I'm sure!"
JP: "Uh, yeah. Good luck."
Bowser on the Road