Final Fantasy IX
Welcome again, boys and especially girls, to my very own RPG review section, 3B. For those confused by the name... join the club! I came up with it when I was in, umm... not exactly the most sensible frame of mind. Okay, so I was a little drunk. Anyway, here's the deal - with apologies to Joe Bob Briggs of Drive-In Movie review fame, I rate RPGs on the three essential 'B's. Beasts (monsters, moron), Blood (can you figure this one out?) and Breasts (my personal fave - unfortunately, for pretty much all the games it's not literal).

Got all that? Great. I rate on a scale of one to ten, with tenths of a point because I felt like it. If you don't like it, click the link back to the Inquisitor and stop whining to me!

This time at 3B, we're gonna get the lowdown on Squaresoft's latest megahit, Final Fantasy IX... 3B style!

Beasts 5.3
Um... haven't we seen this somewhere before? The answer is yeah, and I don't know about anyone else, but I for one am getting a little sick of the Final Fantasy monsters. Compared to the inspired critter design of, say, Chrono Cross, this is a pretty poor showing. Still, the monsters there are have never looked better - this is pretty much the best monster (and character) animation you'll find on the Playstation.

Blood 4.0
Oh, well. Not a drop is spilled, even though a lot of violence goes on. The sheer amount of carnage and property destruction in FF9 nabs it a few points over most other games, but come on - people are dying left and right, and none of the red stuff is splashing around. Very disappointing after some of the gorier fare of recent years.

Breasts 6.3
Well, I'm not going to argue with the quality here - for their (super-deformed) types, the babes of FF9 rank very high on the scale. Female lead Garnet may be big-headed, but she has a reeeeeal nice body - and General Beatrix is one of the finest RPG babes in years, face or bod. Trouble is - I'm not kidding - that's IT. Just those two. NO other adult supporting humanoid female of note. So we have a serious quantity problem.