VANDAL HEARTS

Welcome again, boys and especially girls, to my very own RPG review section, 3B. For those confused by the name... join the club! I came up with it when I was in, umm... not exactly the most sensible frame of mind. Okay, so I was a little drunk. Anyway, here's the deal - with apologies to Joe Bob Briggs of Drive-In Movie review fame, I rate RPGs on the three essential 'B's. Beasts (monsters, moron), Blood (can you figure this one out?) and Breasts (my personal fave - unfortunately, for pretty much all the games it's not literal).

Got all that? Great. I rate on a scale of one to ten, with tenths of a point because I felt like it. If you don't like it, click the link back to the Inquisitor and stop whining to me!

It's time for a retrospective on one of the true giants of its field, the pinnacle of RPG violence, the original, the classic - Vandal Hearts!

Beasts 4.6
Tactics RPGs (Shining Force excepted) usually don't offer much in the way of Beasts, and Vandal Hearts is certainly no exception. Almost all battles are against humans of one type or another, and those few monsters you do run up against are pathetically unimpressive. Some of those human opponents ARE pretty beastly, though.

Blood 10.0!!
I think this picture says it all.


Breasts 3.7
Urrrgh. If only there was a tenth as much in Breasts as there is in Blood. There's not, though. Vandal Hearts' chicks aren't exactly bad looking, but they're not exactly Page 50 girl material either, if you know what I mean. Between the aging sprite-based graphics and the lack of anime/FMV/readily available concept art, what few assets they've got aren't displayed well.